Today was an eye opening type day.
One of my closest friends got blindsided by her boyfriend.
And not in a good way.
He disappeared.
Didn't contact her for four days and still going.
She busted in to the hotel room that she found out he was staying in.
Only to find an empty room full of condoms, empty alcohol bottles, clothes, etc.
I'm sure you get the picture.
She came to me crying her pretty, sad brown eyes out.
I started crying with her.
I've been in her exact shoes, circumstances were a bit different but nevertheless it was all the same.
And this my friends is the first time and possibly last time that I'll people into my past.
When I say the amount of hurt that I saw in her eyes and the strength of holding it in by her clenched jaw, flooded my mind of memories that I block out, and fight to erase them from my memory, which I know is useless considering the pain I went through has made me to be utterly closed off and not let people in.
Who knows if I'm overreacting, whatev.
Well anywho, where shall I begin?
I was young when my mom decided to move from Las Vegas to Yuma AZ to take care of my nana. Ughhhhh!
Worst move EVER.
Within about 6 weeks of moving there, my Nana passed away on Mother's day.
Yeah. That's a story in it's self.
Anywho my mom disappeared on me...she couldn't cope with the grief of losing her mom.
I was left to fend for myself at 15.
At the time, I enjoyed the freedom.
My mom was extremely strict.
So during this time there was this damn ugly Mexican guy who wouldn't leave me alone.
Eventually I thought if I was finally nice to him, he would leave me alone. Well that wasn't the case at all.
Turns out I fell for him. HARD. that's what she said.
I've never loved anyone before.
Every moment of my days were spent thinking about him. And so happy that we we together. I know every teenage girl says this, but I truly believed he was the one. Granted, we had our problems. I was controlling, he wasn't honest. He would get jealous, and that made feel like shit because I never wanted to hurt him to where he would be jealous.
Needless to say, our relationship was on the fast track.
Going 100+ miles per minute.
I'm not going to lie.
I loved it.
I saw our lives becoming as one.
And that's when I found out I was pregnant.
I was so scared.
More than anyone really knows.
I was scared of my mom, my family, his family, how the baby was even doing but most of all, my boyfriend.
A part of me knew he was going to leave me.
And I didn't want anything to ruin "our perfect" world.
Before I was able to tell him, I cried myself to sleep because I was so scared of losing him.
At the time, he was my everything. My happiness, my heart, my world.
When I finally told him, he completely surprised me.
He was happy, and he held my hand and told me something that I'm not going to share because I'll hold onto those 2 sentences, because that was the possibly the last time he was actually happy about the pregnancy.
About a month or so went by, when he broke up with me, for "her".
I was sooo hurt.
I couldn't even get out of bed because it would feel like my insides were going to break. I remember crying to the point of throwing up.
I couldn't move, breathe, anything without my world being there with me.
I think "she" rejected him, so he came back, and of course I took him back even though I felt like I was walking on eggshells. I couldn't lose my "world" again. I was so miserable because I knew I wasn't the one he wanted to be with. I just wanted him to look at me like he use to. I longed for it. Of course I didn't let him know. I hide my pain through anger, so I gave him rules. Not a way to be in a healthy relationship. That was wrong of me to do that. But there was wrong on his end as well.
We started talking about our future. I was finally going to have the my "world" and it would finally be complete. Also since I am being honest, that was the first time I felt happy about our baby. I was going to have a baby with the person I loved with my entire being.
A few months pass and he was getting ready to leave for boot camp. I was so proud of him. I was happy he was making something of himself, that our daughter would be proud of her daddy. I had dropped out of high school at this time. So I knew there was a chance for my daughter to be taken care of by her father support. I figured once he got his life situated I could finally work on mine.
I remember when it was time to say goodbye.
It felt like I was losing my world again.
I cried for a day straight because I missed him so much. I felt like I couldn't breathe withouthim. I felt like just a piece of a puzzle when he was away from me. My puzzle was complete when he was there.
I remember getting his first letter from boot camp.
I read that letter everyday until the next one came, and the next, and the next. Those letters got me through the days, sometimes hours, even minutes.
When it was time for him to graduate, and I wanted to be there so bad, but I couldn't because I was to far along in my pregnancy to travel. I hated myself for that. I felt like a failure of a girlfriend because I wasn't there for that special moment.
Fast forward a week and I was having our baby girl.
I was trying to get ahold of him, when his mom told me something that made me feel numb.
He wasn't mine anymore.
It truly shocked me to even see him the next day at the hospital.
I thought I would never see him again.
It was off.
Idk what it was but things just felt off.
Eggshells.
I remember crying in the shower at the hospital while he was helping me, because I was ashamed of how I looked.
He told me how much he loved me.
That was when I thought my puzzle was backed together once and for all..
I was finally released from the hospital.
We went home, and I was still nervous around him.
I was scared to even touch him.
When the ice finally melted between us it was time for him to go.
Military duties.
When I said goodbye to him I was devastated.
We were in a good spot.
I was counting down the months until we got married.
No one knows this, but I had already picked out my dress.
I was so excited about it.
I couldn't wait for him to see me walk down the aisle with this dress and our daughter in the bridal party.
When I hugged him and kissed him goodbye, I had no idea I was saying goodbye to my world, my happiness, my completed puzzle.
He disappeared.
Just like my friend's boyfriend.
A week had gone by before I tricked him into talking to me.
That week was a BAD week.
I remember being up for almost 4 days straight, just worried sick.
Those were the days I've ever cried so much and so hard.
That was the week my entire world came crashing down to billion of pieces.
When I finally tricked him into talking to me he told me there was someone else.
This is the whole hotel room filled with condoms moment for my friend.
I suppose I should have always known.
It was "her". It always has been, and it'll always be her.
I remember my eyes being full of pain, and my jaw clenched tight to hold it together.
Just how my friend looks now.
The only difference is that there is no baby for them.
That she didn't have to depend on him for anything.
I remember pushing my daughter through the rain to get her to a doctor appt.
I remember going days without eating to ensure that MY baby had food, clothes, and diapers.
I remember sitting on the street begging for change to supply those things.
So where are we now?
He has his life together, and is married to "her", with another child.
And you know what.
I'm happy she will never know that part of him.
That their child has a car to get to and from doctor appts, and that their family will never go hungry.
I'm happy he was able to move on and experience that happiness I felt when it was our time together.
Now I'm not saying I still love him. I don't.
It's taken me years to understand that I deserve someone who sees me as their world, their completed puzzle.
But I will tell you this.
No one deserves to have their eyes full of pain and their jaw clenched for the sake of not breaking down in tears.
No one deserves that. Not even the ones who have caused the pain.
When I saw her today, I had tears in my eyes because for the first time, I saw how truly broken I was. And still am.
That's why I've never really "loved" anyone since.
When someone gets too close, I disappear, to avoid any future pain.
The one thing that stood out to me from my friend, is her strength.
While I blamed myself back then, she is pulling herself together.
She understands what I understand now of deserving more.
That made me realize I shouldn't let that one person control me to this day.
I should be open to love not running away.
"I just need to move on" is what she was saying.
I get it.
And we will with our true completed puzzles, our real worlds, not a delusion.
One of my fave quotes.
"If you want to be happy, be."
