Selfishness

Many things have changed in my life recently.

 

I've moved, totaled my car, dealing with a shady guy who sold me a shady car, chopped off my hair, the list goes on and on.

However, there are some things I am not ready to put out in the world, because if I do, then that makes those certain things real. And I am just not ready for that.

 

What I do want to talk about is Selfishness.

Now when most people see that word or even hear it, it usually means something bad.

And yes, selfishness can be bad, but I'm here to talk about the good of selfishness.

 

I've decided to take a year to be selfish.

Now, hold on before you judge me for doing so, let me explain...

I'm doing this because I feel like I need to become a better person, and truly find myself.

I believe I am having a mid life crisis in my late twenties...

So instead of spreading myself thin for others and obligations, I rather sit back and find myself, and really focus on me and my kids.

So if I say no to going out with friends, or don't want to give a ride to someone, or if I just plainly reject something, please don't take it personally. I am just not going to be doing very much that I no longer want to do.

 

In the past and very recently, it was very common for me to always be there for others. Yet when I was in need with everything that is going, about 99% of the people that I was there for were not there for me in my time of need. Which is fine. It truly opened my eyes on what kind of people I want to surround myself with.

 

I'm forming my circle of people, and to be honest, it is pretty amazing what this circle of people have done for me. I feel like they will forever be in my life.

 

Now back on track. Being selfish is something that I haven't yet gotten to do. Have I had selfish moments? Of course I have. But I've never been truly selfish.

I want my time to be MINE. I want to do something because I WANT to do it. I want to see something because I WANT to see it.

 

Now please don't think that I am saying that I've done everything for everyone. That is not the case. I do feel that I HAVE done more for others than they have done for me. And it sucks, because I was the one who truly believed that others would do as I do for them. Again that is not the case and me just being naïve. There have been moments where others have helped me, however, I felt like it came with a cost. And I'm sure others will say the same about me, but no one ever wants to take the blame. So you know what, I'll take the blame for everything. Because during this year of me being selfish, I'm going to learn to not care about petty shit like that.

 

During this year, I'm going to find myself.

I AM going to find my FAITH.

I AM going to have God lead me down the right path.

I AM going to become happy.

I AM going to learn to love myself.

I AM going to learn to build such confidence, that NO ONE will EVER be able to destroy me again.

I AM going to get where I am suppose to be.

I AM going to accomplish my goals.

I AM going to be SELFISH and going to FOCUS on ME.

 

There are people out there, who I'm sure will talk shit about me because of what I'm doing, or will have a harsh opinion, but hey it's ok. Do whatever you have to do to make yourself feel better.

I am not going to stop anyone from feeling better about themselves.

 

Right now I am in a dark place. I am filled with bitterness, and hatred. And that is not me. SO I am changing that. I've felt like I am drowning in a black sea. However recently I've been feeling like I can somewhat breathe under this black sea and I can see light at a very far distance.

Right now, I'm not great, wonderful, amazing, awesome, good, well, etc.

I am just O.K.

A few weeks ago I wasn't even O.K. so therefore I am growing.

 

The ones who love me have told me that I am in a growing period of my life. And trust me, I didn't want to hear it at the moment but I am now understanding what exactly they meant by it.

If I could have punched my brother through the phone for saying that type of stuff to me, I would have haha, but now I know that he was saying that stuff to help me realize my strength.

 

I have been destroyed, I have been defeated, I have reached my bottom.

 

Now, it's time for me to rise.

With God leading the way.

Nothing is impossible anymore.

Nothing is out of reach.

Nothing is going to stop me.

 

Here's to a year of being selfish!!!